Kerry's "Rap-ture" Sounds Like Big Phat Lie To Us
Boston Herald ^ | April 4, 2004 | Howie Carr
John F'in Kerry had a big-time pander moment last week on MTV.
"I'm fascinated by rap and hip-hop," he said, with a straight face. "I think there's a lot of poetry in it."
Is there anything this guy won't say, anyone he won't lie to for a few more votes?
John Kerry, rap fan? I don't think so. Straight outta Louisburg Square, he's B.W.A. - Brahmin With Attitude. He ain't hip-hop, he's flip-flop. He ain't 50 Cent, he's 50 million, times ten.
Imagine Kerry as the new Eminem, the next great white rapper. Think of the lyrics GI Gigolo could pen:
"They said I was haughty, so I ditched the Ducati.
Now I ride a Harley hog, Jay Leno's all agog.
Bush shoulda been in detox, they give me grief for Botox.
For rich ladies, I got a big jones, I been this way ever since Skull and Bones.
When I grabbed Lady Ketchup I was ridin' the rails, and that ain't cool, if you graduated Yale.
I got me a brother, his name is Cam. Maybe you heard, I served in 'Nam.
My blue blood it came from Mom, my family owns an island, that's really da bomb."
Of course, he told MTV's slacker audience that he doesn't approve of all rap lyrics. "Understand," he said, "I'm still listening because I know that it's a reflection of the street and life and I understand all that. You'd better listen to it, because it's really important."
Once upon a time, even the likes of Jimmy Carter got called out on whopping big lies like this one. Carter's music pander, you may recall, was to tell the boomers that he was a major fan of Bob Dylan.
So one day a reporter named Steve Brill began peppering Carter with questions from Dylan 101: Which is the double album, Highway 61 Revisited or Blonde on Blonde? What don't you need, to know which way the wind blows?
The resulting article appeared in Harper's under the title The Pathetic Lies of Jimmy Carter.
There will be no such hit pieces on Kerry, not in the lamestream media. But if he's such a big fan of the genre, maybe he can start answering questions in rap. For example, Senator, why did you grab Dukakis' dirty-trickster John Sasso, off the waiver wire?
"I hire sleazy Sasso, the press gives me a pass-o
If he say get in the tank, I tell him no thanks
Sasso tells me his time he's been bidin'
Everyone say yo, 'cepting maybe Joe Biden."
The problem is, most of Kerry's life doesn't rhyme well. Limousine, Scaramouche, irrevocable trusts, Grey Poupon. He's a street guy all right - Easy Street. Still, some of my homey's have been working on it.
"Went to Philly, got some provolone to chew on
Now I'm cruisin', Scaramouchin' back to old Naushon
Now it's time to wrap up this rappin' song
For all you doubters here's three words: Bring it on!"
Then there's the most pivotal event in his life, namely the removal of the fire hydrant from outside his mansion on Beacon Hill. Luckily for American poetry, there is at least one synonym for hydrant: plug.
"I say Mumbles, don't make me rumble or for sure you gonna tumble.
But when I can't park I ain't one to shrug.
I puts the heat on the city and they move that damn plug."
Then there's the famous incident at his second wife's first husband's $9 million mansion on Nantucket, when all the chi-chi guests were denied use of the indoor plumbing.
"You come to my crib, bro', use the porta-potty.
Ain't no exceptions, unless you John Gotti."
OK, it needs work. But the election's still seven months away. Plenty of time for more...poetry.
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Boston Herald ^ | April 4, 2004 | Howie Carr
John F'in Kerry had a big-time pander moment last week on MTV.
"I'm fascinated by rap and hip-hop," he said, with a straight face. "I think there's a lot of poetry in it."
Is there anything this guy won't say, anyone he won't lie to for a few more votes?
John Kerry, rap fan? I don't think so. Straight outta Louisburg Square, he's B.W.A. - Brahmin With Attitude. He ain't hip-hop, he's flip-flop. He ain't 50 Cent, he's 50 million, times ten.
Imagine Kerry as the new Eminem, the next great white rapper. Think of the lyrics GI Gigolo could pen:
"They said I was haughty, so I ditched the Ducati.
Now I ride a Harley hog, Jay Leno's all agog.
Bush shoulda been in detox, they give me grief for Botox.
For rich ladies, I got a big jones, I been this way ever since Skull and Bones.
When I grabbed Lady Ketchup I was ridin' the rails, and that ain't cool, if you graduated Yale.
I got me a brother, his name is Cam. Maybe you heard, I served in 'Nam.
My blue blood it came from Mom, my family owns an island, that's really da bomb."
Of course, he told MTV's slacker audience that he doesn't approve of all rap lyrics. "Understand," he said, "I'm still listening because I know that it's a reflection of the street and life and I understand all that. You'd better listen to it, because it's really important."
Once upon a time, even the likes of Jimmy Carter got called out on whopping big lies like this one. Carter's music pander, you may recall, was to tell the boomers that he was a major fan of Bob Dylan.
So one day a reporter named Steve Brill began peppering Carter with questions from Dylan 101: Which is the double album, Highway 61 Revisited or Blonde on Blonde? What don't you need, to know which way the wind blows?
The resulting article appeared in Harper's under the title The Pathetic Lies of Jimmy Carter.
There will be no such hit pieces on Kerry, not in the lamestream media. But if he's such a big fan of the genre, maybe he can start answering questions in rap. For example, Senator, why did you grab Dukakis' dirty-trickster John Sasso, off the waiver wire?
"I hire sleazy Sasso, the press gives me a pass-o
If he say get in the tank, I tell him no thanks
Sasso tells me his time he's been bidin'
Everyone say yo, 'cepting maybe Joe Biden."
The problem is, most of Kerry's life doesn't rhyme well. Limousine, Scaramouche, irrevocable trusts, Grey Poupon. He's a street guy all right - Easy Street. Still, some of my homey's have been working on it.
"Went to Philly, got some provolone to chew on
Now I'm cruisin', Scaramouchin' back to old Naushon
Now it's time to wrap up this rappin' song
For all you doubters here's three words: Bring it on!"
Then there's the most pivotal event in his life, namely the removal of the fire hydrant from outside his mansion on Beacon Hill. Luckily for American poetry, there is at least one synonym for hydrant: plug.
"I say Mumbles, don't make me rumble or for sure you gonna tumble.
But when I can't park I ain't one to shrug.
I puts the heat on the city and they move that damn plug."
Then there's the famous incident at his second wife's first husband's $9 million mansion on Nantucket, when all the chi-chi guests were denied use of the indoor plumbing.
"You come to my crib, bro', use the porta-potty.
Ain't no exceptions, unless you John Gotti."
OK, it needs work. But the election's still seven months away. Plenty of time for more...poetry.
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